18 Weeks

I had my big ultrasound today.  We took all the boys with us so they could see the baby.  I was a little disappointed because it was the fastest u/s I've ever had (and I've had a lot!).  I was hoping the tech would get some good profile shots and views of the baby's face but she didn't.  The baby was moving so much it was hard to get a good look.  We did get a cute pic with the baby's hand up under it's chin and a pic of a tiny foot.  We only got to watch for about 3 or 4 minutes before she shut the monitor off so we wouldn't see the gender.  She says she couldn't tell anyway.  They are having me get a repeat u/s in 4 weeks just because they couldn't get a clear pic of all 4 chambers of baby's heart since he/she was moving so much.  The tech said that from what she could see, everything looked fine though.  That's a huge relief!  It's funny because she kept commenting on how active baby was but I don't feel much due to my anterior placenta.  I've never had one before and it's a little disappointing because I love feeling movement.  I feel a few kicks here and there but noting like I did with the boys.  I'm hoping that as baby gets bigger and stronger, I'll feel more.  Anyway, we are just super happy that baby looks good and I'm getting more and more excited every day!

2nd Trimester :)

I'm 15 weeks today and it feels so good to be in the 2nd trimester!  My belly is growing and I'm hoping to feel my little one move very soon.  My doppler has been a lifesaver!  I listen to the heartbeat at least every other day.  It's so reassuring.  Dr. A has been awesome!  She understands my fears and has been really supportive.  She's even arranged "just because" ultrasounds to help put my mind at ease.  I LOVE seeing my baby!  This last time, I got to see him/her opening their little mouth and swallowing.  I don't care if it's your first or 20th, it never gets old.  I go back in 3 weeks for my big u/s.  I'm excited to see the baby again but nervous we'll accidentally see the sex.  Hopefully, the tech will be able to avoid that area, at least while we can see the screen!  Really though, I'm just praying the baby is healthy and everything looks good.

You Need Only To Be Still

The last few months have been rough but it looks like things are finally looking up! In January, I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, when I went to the doctor and had my betas done, I knew it was not good. They were only 13 when they should have been closer to 40. Sure, enough I lost that pregnancy. It was deja vu. I couldn't believe I had another 2 back to back losses. I was heartbroken. I was feeling really down about the whole process. I did a lot of praying for strength and asked God to take away the desire for another baby if it was not meant to be and to give me strength if it was. I was thrilled to get pregnant again right away. I had a good feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning. I went in for betas and waited for the results. I was praying they would be between at least 80-100. The nurse called and said they were 186! I cried I was so happy.

My doc told me I could go in for an early u/s at 5 weeks to see if everything was progressing. I knew we wouldn't see a baby or heartbeat at that point but was hoping for a gestational sac. I was so nervous that morning. The tech started the u/s and we saw a sac right away. It was measuring right on schedule. I was very relieved. Until, the doc came in to talk to me. She said the sac wasn't shaped the way they'd like. She said they like it to be nice and round and mine has some irregular edges. She said it could be fine but she didn't get a warm fuzzy. She said I had a 50/50 chance of it being a viable pregnancy. My stomach fell. I left feeling broken again. I spent the afternoon crying and praying in bed.

That weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church. One of our memory verses was Exodus 14:14, "God will fight the fight for you. You need only to be still." I prayed and begged Him to fight the fight for me and my baby. The following Wednesday I went back in for another u/s. I was preparing myself for bad news. The u/s started and the tech said "there's the sac and it's grown." Then I thought I saw another circle and she said "there's a yolk sac.....and I think I see a flicker!". I lost it. Just started crying. I couldn't believe my baby was there with a tiny heartbeat. I told her I had not expected to see that and that I had been praying like crazy. She smiled and said "God is good!". Yes He is! And not only was there a baby measuring right on with a strong heartbeat, but the gestational sac now looked completely normal! It was a very emotional day!

With the boys, the queasiness started between 5-6 weeks. When I was still feeling pretty normal a week later at 7 weeks, I called my OB. I told them I was probably just paranoid but I was stressing. They told me to go ahead and come in and they'd do another u/s for peace of mind. again I prepared myself for bad news but instead saw my little bean with a string heart rate of 154, right where it should be :) Plus my little one was now measuring 3 days ahead, which they said is a great sign. I'm so glad I go to an OB that doesn't make me feel silly but addresses my concerns and understands how I feel.

The mild queasiness kicked in the next day :) So did the exhaustion! SO tired! But I welcome it all. I just feel so blessed and continue to pray that God takes care of my baby. I still worry a lot but I'm just trying to stay positive and celebrate my baby :)

Christmas 2011

We had a great Christmas! It was a fairly laid back day and the kids were so excited :) We saved the zip line I won a few months ago for last. They opened up the mystery box and then just stared at it. They had no idea what it was. Once we explained it , the were thrilled! We set it up that afternoon and gave it a whirl. I don't know who was more excited, the kids or the adults!

Connor said his favorite gift was his Kindle, Landon lazer tag, Liam, his angry birds game, Noah his"toy story truck that transforms". Keaton liked everything! He was a little clingy first off and just wanted daddy but he quickly warmed up to the idea of ripping the paper off and opening presents. Mike got me a kindle as well which I was really excited about. One of my favorite gifts though was from Connor. We went to a Christmas festival at the boys' school a couple of weeks before Christmas. They had set up a Secret Santa area with tables of inexpensive gifts for kids to get for family members. Connor disappeared at one point and then I saw him come back and whisper to Mike. He then disappeared again. Apparently, he has seen birthstone rings at one of the tables and was asking Mike what my birthstone was. He bought me one of those rings with his own money. I of course cried when I opened it. He was so proud and my heart was so full. I wear that ring with pride :)

I admit that I did get a little sad a few times because Christmas day was the day we were going to tell my family I was pregnant. I still miss my baby but enjoying a special day with my boys really helped. They are such blessings and I am so thankful for them!

Countdown to Christmas

The boys are so excited about Christmas! Liam made an advent calendar at school and is counting down. We have a lot of fun Christmas activities coming up in the next few weeks. We are hoping to take the kids to Dollywood this week. I love it at Christmas time. The lights are so pretty. Saturday, we are going to a local Christmas event for kids. They have crafts and cookie decorating for kids, pics with Santa, storytelling by Mrs Claus, horse drawn carriage rides and a secret santa room where elves help kids pick out inexpensive gifts for family members. The best part is it's all FREE! We look forward to it every year. The following week, our church is having caroling and cookies and then a Christmas cabaret the following Sunday. Add in, making lots of Christmas goodies with the boys and it will be a great time. It's nice to focus on happy things. Now, if we could just get some snow, it would be perfect!

Heartbroken... Again

We found out 2 weeks ago I was pregnant. We were thrilled! And to make it even more special, I was due July 29th, my Grandma's birthday! Seemed so fitting. We only told a few people. We wanted to wait until my ultrasound at 7 weeks to make sure everything was okay. And to be honest, we weren't sure how people would react to us having baby #6. People already think we're crazy for having 5. We just enjoyed our secret. I however was nervous. I lost 2 babies between Landon and Liam. That was the hardest 5 months of my life. I remember being absolutely terrified when I got pregnant with Liam. I was to the point of barely functioning because I was so scared and nervous. Finally, one day I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked God to give me a peace and help me enjoy my baby for however long I had him or her. I felt His peace wash over me. I was still nervous but not overwhelmingly so. Thankfully, Liam was just fine and so were my next two blessings.

Last Saturday, I had a nagging feeling something was wrong. No cramps or spotting, just intuition. I kept telling Mike but he just kept trying to reassure me everything was fine. I was right though. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning bleeding. I knew my baby was gone. I was only 5 weeks 2 days. I called my OB's answering service Sunday morning and they told me to go to the ER. I'm Rh- so I needed a rogham shot. The did bloodwork at the hospital and my hcg level was already down to 8.

I'm heartbroken. This never gets easier. My heart was filled with love for my baby the minute I saw that positive test. A really good friend of mine who also lost a baby recently, told me about a book called "I'll Hold You in Heaven". I got it today and it helped. It gave answers to question with biblical backing. It reaffirmed that my baby was a person with a soul from the moment of conception and that we will see him or her in Heaven. This is what gets me through. A friend also reminded me that my Grandma is up there rocking my baby. I now have three babies waiting for me. I like to think of them playing together.

I have spent the last few days snuggling my boys. That always helps :) Praying for God's healing and peace and hoping He blesses us again.

I Miss Her

We got some sad news a couple of weeks ago. My mom called at 6:55 am on Tues, October 4 and told me my Grandma had passed away. We knew it was getting close but it was still so hard. The first thing I said was, "The pictures didn't make it". Landon and Noah had both drawn pictures for her the Saturday before. I knew she wasn't doing good so I went to the post office Monday morning and overnight-ed them. They told me they would be there by 3:00 pm. She passed away at about 3:30 am. When I hung up, the boys asked what was wrong. I told them that Grandma had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. Connor and Landon both started crying. It was hard because Mike had left at 5:30 that morning for a 24 hour shift. I hugged them and told them they could stay home if they wanted. They both wanted to go to school. I found out that evening that Connor had started crying when he got to school. His teacher told him she understood because her Grandpa was really sick and they knew he'd be going to Heaven very soon too. She told him it was okay to cry and that she'd be praying for us. What a blessing she was!

We made arrangements to leave the next day at lunch as soon as Mike got home from work. That afternoon was a blur. I spent the time packing for the 10 hour drive to Florida. The next few days were really hard but I'm so glad we got to go. It helped to be with my family. We were united in our sadness and it was comforting to be with people who missed her like I did. I was also glad that the boys got to see my Grandpa who shared 67 years with my Grandma. My mom brought the pictures to the funeral and the boys put them in her casket with her. I was a little surprised they did but they asked to go up and see her. Connor decided he didn't want to and I told him that was perfectly fine. It was totally up to him.

I'm doing better now but I still have my moments. I'll picture her face and her light blue eyes and remember how her face would light up when we went to see her, and get very emotional. I can hear her voice. When I'd call, she'd answer with a soft "hello" and when I said "Hi Grandma", I could literally hear her smile as she said "Hey baby!". She ADORED my boys. She had a special thing where she would always have popsicles in the freezer for them when we went to see her. Even after she moved into the nursing home, she'd have my aunt go get some and put them in the nurse's freezer when she knew we were coming. I told the boys, she'll be waiting for them in Heaven with popsicles in hand!

My grandma always made me feel loved. She worried about me, especially when I was pregnant. She would always ask me how I was feeling and tell me to rest and take care of myself. It felt good to have someone be concerned for me. She was proud of me and made me feel special. The last time we saw her was when Keaton was 3 months old. She was SO excited to meet him and cuddle him. I just wish she could have done it more.

It still seems a little unreal sometimes. Knowing that I can't just pick up the phone and hear her voice. I'd love to be able to hug her one more time. The last time I talked to her was about a week and a half before she died. Before I hung up I said ,"I love you Grandma", and she replied with "Love you more". I couldn't ask for any better last words and I thank God for blessing me with her.