Tuesday, March 20, 2012

You Need Only To Be Still

The last few months have been rough but it looks like things are finally looking up! In January, I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, when I went to the doctor and had my betas done, I knew it was not good. They were only 13 when they should have been closer to 40. Sure, enough I lost that pregnancy. It was deja vu. I couldn't believe I had another 2 back to back losses. I was heartbroken. I was feeling really down about the whole process. I did a lot of praying for strength and asked God to take away the desire for another baby if it was not meant to be and to give me strength if it was. I was thrilled to get pregnant again right away. I had a good feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning. I went in for betas and waited for the results. I was praying they would be between at least 80-100. The nurse called and said they were 186! I cried I was so happy.
My doc told me I could go in for an early u/s at 5 weeks to see if everything was progressing. I knew we wouldn't see a baby or heartbeat at that point but was hoping for a gestational sac. I was so nervous that morning. The tech started the u/s and we saw a sac right away. It was measuring right on schedule. I was very relieved. Until, the doc came in to talk to me. She said the sac wasn't shaped the way they'd like. She said they like it to be nice and round and mine has some irregular edges. She said it could be fine but she didn't get a warm fuzzy. She said I had a 50/50 chance of it being a viable pregnancy. My stomach fell. I left feeling broken again. I spent the afternoon crying and praying in bed.
That weekend I went to a women's retreat with my church. One of our memory verses was Exodus 14:14, "God will fight the fight for you. You need only to be still." I prayed and begged Him to fight the fight for me and my baby. The following Wednesday I went back in for another u/s. I was preparing myself for bad news. The u/s started and the tech said "there's the sac and it's grown." Then I thought I saw another circle and she said "there's a yolk sac.....and I think I see a flicker!". I lost it. Just started crying. I couldn't believe my baby was there with a tiny heartbeat. I told her I had not expected to see that and that I had been praying like crazy. She smiled and said "God is good!". Yes He is! And not only was there a baby measuring right on with a strong heartbeat, but the gestational sac now looked completely normal! It was a very emotional day!
With the boys, the queasiness started between 5-6 weeks. When I was still feeling pretty normal a week later at 7 weeks, I called my OB. I told them I was probably just paranoid but I was stressing. They told me to go ahead and come in and they'd do another u/s for peace of mind. again I prepared myself for bad news but instead saw my little bean with a string heart rate of 154, right where it should be :) Plus my little one was now measuring 3 days ahead, which they said is a great sign. I'm so glad I go to an OB that doesn't make me feel silly but addresses my concerns and understands how I feel.
The mild queasiness kicked in the next day :) So did the exhaustion! SO tired! But I welcome it all. I just feel so blessed and continue to pray that God takes care of my baby. I still worry a lot but I'm just trying to stay positive and celebrate my baby :)