Heartbroken... Again

We found out 2 weeks ago I was pregnant. We were thrilled! And to make it even more special, I was due July 29th, my Grandma's birthday! Seemed so fitting. We only told a few people. We wanted to wait until my ultrasound at 7 weeks to make sure everything was okay. And to be honest, we weren't sure how people would react to us having baby #6. People already think we're crazy for having 5. We just enjoyed our secret. I however was nervous. I lost 2 babies between Landon and Liam. That was the hardest 5 months of my life. I remember being absolutely terrified when I got pregnant with Liam. I was to the point of barely functioning because I was so scared and nervous. Finally, one day I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked God to give me a peace and help me enjoy my baby for however long I had him or her. I felt His peace wash over me. I was still nervous but not overwhelmingly so. Thankfully, Liam was just fine and so were my next two blessings.

Last Saturday, I had a nagging feeling something was wrong. No cramps or spotting, just intuition. I kept telling Mike but he just kept trying to reassure me everything was fine. I was right though. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning bleeding. I knew my baby was gone. I was only 5 weeks 2 days. I called my OB's answering service Sunday morning and they told me to go to the ER. I'm Rh- so I needed a rogham shot. The did bloodwork at the hospital and my hcg level was already down to 8.

I'm heartbroken. This never gets easier. My heart was filled with love for my baby the minute I saw that positive test. A really good friend of mine who also lost a baby recently, told me about a book called "I'll Hold You in Heaven". I got it today and it helped. It gave answers to question with biblical backing. It reaffirmed that my baby was a person with a soul from the moment of conception and that we will see him or her in Heaven. This is what gets me through. A friend also reminded me that my Grandma is up there rocking my baby. I now have three babies waiting for me. I like to think of them playing together.

I have spent the last few days snuggling my boys. That always helps :) Praying for God's healing and peace and hoping He blesses us again.