Heartbroken... Again

We found out 2 weeks ago I was pregnant. We were thrilled! And to make it even more special, I was due July 29th, my Grandma's birthday! Seemed so fitting. We only told a few people. We wanted to wait until my ultrasound at 7 weeks to make sure everything was okay. And to be honest, we weren't sure how people would react to us having baby #6. People already think we're crazy for having 5. We just enjoyed our secret. I however was nervous. I lost 2 babies between Landon and Liam. That was the hardest 5 months of my life. I remember being absolutely terrified when I got pregnant with Liam. I was to the point of barely functioning because I was so scared and nervous. Finally, one day I dropped to my knees and prayed. I asked God to give me a peace and help me enjoy my baby for however long I had him or her. I felt His peace wash over me. I was still nervous but not overwhelmingly so. Thankfully, Liam was just fine and so were my next two blessings.

Last Saturday, I had a nagging feeling something was wrong. No cramps or spotting, just intuition. I kept telling Mike but he just kept trying to reassure me everything was fine. I was right though. I woke up at 3:30 in the morning bleeding. I knew my baby was gone. I was only 5 weeks 2 days. I called my OB's answering service Sunday morning and they told me to go to the ER. I'm Rh- so I needed a rogham shot. The did bloodwork at the hospital and my hcg level was already down to 8.

I'm heartbroken. This never gets easier. My heart was filled with love for my baby the minute I saw that positive test. A really good friend of mine who also lost a baby recently, told me about a book called "I'll Hold You in Heaven". I got it today and it helped. It gave answers to question with biblical backing. It reaffirmed that my baby was a person with a soul from the moment of conception and that we will see him or her in Heaven. This is what gets me through. A friend also reminded me that my Grandma is up there rocking my baby. I now have three babies waiting for me. I like to think of them playing together.

I have spent the last few days snuggling my boys. That always helps :) Praying for God's healing and peace and hoping He blesses us again.

I Miss Her

We got some sad news a couple of weeks ago. My mom called at 6:55 am on Tues, October 4 and told me my Grandma had passed away. We knew it was getting close but it was still so hard. The first thing I said was, "The pictures didn't make it". Landon and Noah had both drawn pictures for her the Saturday before. I knew she wasn't doing good so I went to the post office Monday morning and overnight-ed them. They told me they would be there by 3:00 pm. She passed away at about 3:30 am. When I hung up, the boys asked what was wrong. I told them that Grandma had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. Connor and Landon both started crying. It was hard because Mike had left at 5:30 that morning for a 24 hour shift. I hugged them and told them they could stay home if they wanted. They both wanted to go to school. I found out that evening that Connor had started crying when he got to school. His teacher told him she understood because her Grandpa was really sick and they knew he'd be going to Heaven very soon too. She told him it was okay to cry and that she'd be praying for us. What a blessing she was!

We made arrangements to leave the next day at lunch as soon as Mike got home from work. That afternoon was a blur. I spent the time packing for the 10 hour drive to Florida. The next few days were really hard but I'm so glad we got to go. It helped to be with my family. We were united in our sadness and it was comforting to be with people who missed her like I did. I was also glad that the boys got to see my Grandpa who shared 67 years with my Grandma. My mom brought the pictures to the funeral and the boys put them in her casket with her. I was a little surprised they did but they asked to go up and see her. Connor decided he didn't want to and I told him that was perfectly fine. It was totally up to him.

I'm doing better now but I still have my moments. I'll picture her face and her light blue eyes and remember how her face would light up when we went to see her, and get very emotional. I can hear her voice. When I'd call, she'd answer with a soft "hello" and when I said "Hi Grandma", I could literally hear her smile as she said "Hey baby!". She ADORED my boys. She had a special thing where she would always have popsicles in the freezer for them when we went to see her. Even after she moved into the nursing home, she'd have my aunt go get some and put them in the nurse's freezer when she knew we were coming. I told the boys, she'll be waiting for them in Heaven with popsicles in hand!

My grandma always made me feel loved. She worried about me, especially when I was pregnant. She would always ask me how I was feeling and tell me to rest and take care of myself. It felt good to have someone be concerned for me. She was proud of me and made me feel special. The last time we saw her was when Keaton was 3 months old. She was SO excited to meet him and cuddle him. I just wish she could have done it more.

It still seems a little unreal sometimes. Knowing that I can't just pick up the phone and hear her voice. I'd love to be able to hug her one more time. The last time I talked to her was about a week and a half before she died. Before I hung up I said ,"I love you Grandma", and she replied with "Love you more". I couldn't ask for any better last words and I thank God for blessing me with her.

Heart Smile

Noah says the funniest and cutest things. The other morning, I was getting ready and Noah came in. He said "Mommy, can you put some water on my hair so I can comb it and be a stylin man?". He was so serious. It was SO cute! Then the other night, I had an Alathea cd playing and Noah started dancing around the living room. He stopped for a minute, ran over to me and said, "I'm dancing for Jesus so He'll be happy!". Then he went right back to dancing. I could just imagine the smile on Jesus' face. It made my heart smile :)

Backyard Zip Line!!!

Another giveaway I found was one on Momsownwords.com. It is for the winner's choice of either a 100′, 150′ or 200′ length zip line from ziplinegear.com! How cool is that?! My boys would flip if I won it! It sure would make for an exciting Christmas day! Connor got to do a zip line at camp and he raved about it. Our house would be the place to be if we had one! Kristi, the blogger on Mom's Own Words, even posted a video of her kids using the zip line. It looks like so much fun! Mike is even excited about this one! He's been scouting out the perfect place for it should I win :) I have til the 29th to get all my entries in. What an exciting giveaway!

Awesome giveaway!

I love entering giveaways! I am now trying to win things to save for the boys for Christmas. Connor is getting too old for toys but he loves to read. He mentioned that he'd a like a Kindle. Unfortunately, they are pricey and when you are buying for 5 kids, that could be a stretch. Then I came across a giveaway from Fun Saving Money for a nextbook ! The giveaway is for a next6 tablet and it would be perfect for Connor! It is even better than a kindle with extra features. The giveaway doesn't end until September 10 so there's still time to enter (and get those extra daily entries in!). Giveaways are so much fun and if you can get presents for Christmas, even better!

Switched

I was watching a new show on ABCFamily channel called "Switched At Birth" last night and it brought back memories. About 12 years ago, I went in to work and my friend and co-worker told me that her aunt had gotten a call the night before informing her that her granddaughter(who she was raising) had been switched at birth with another little girl that lived about 30 minutes away. My friend's cousin and her husband(the little girl's parents) had been killed in a car accident a few months before she got the call. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that that could really happen. That started a very long and stressful journey for all of those involved. Court battle after court battle ensued. The show last night made me wonder what happened to those two innocent little girls whose lives were changed when a nurse made a mistake and didn't tell anyone. I can't imagine the emotions those families experienced. It also made me thankful for the extra security precautions the hospitals have taken when my boys were born. They were all banded right there with me before leaving the room. I pray that all hospitals are that careful with newborns and that this never happens again!

Brothers!

We were at my parents' house this past Saturday and a family friend was playing with Noah. Noah came over and asked me if I would put his carseat in Ryan's car so he could go spend the night with him. Ryan told him that "mommy would miss him". Noah came over and asked me if I would. I said "yes, I would miss you very much so not tonight". Liam who was standing nearby came running over and said, "MOOMMM, let him go!". Ahh, brotherly love!